Abscenece

I'm currently 166.5.
I hate it. I suck.
I literally had the two worst weeks of my entire life. I know thats really not an excuse, but its true.

1. One of my boyfriends friends killed themselves.
I didn't know her. But seeing him like that really put my life into perspective.

2. The person who ripped my heart out came back for a few days.
When I mean he fucked me up, I mean he fucked me up. I tried to kill myself once he left, I couldn't take it.

3. Boyfriend started cutting.
He tried to hide it, I saw.

4. My best friend E, invited me to smoke some weed with them.
That person who ripped my heart out was there, I yelled at him for being a douchebag.
I also  kissed him on the cheek.
E tried to finger me. =/
I stopped him, but barely.
We kissed.
He called me a tease.

5. Shit piling on me.

6. KIll myself.
Failed.

7. My friend T who lives down the street and has the same eating issues as me is unreachable, she's on a cruise.

And through all this, I ate and ate and ate.
I suck.

I need this weight gone, now.
Semi is soon.
Bikini season is soon.
Shorts, shorts, shorts. :/

I will be 159 for boyfriends birthday. He deserves that,
I will be 150 for the mile run.

I will be lighter, I will be happier

I will be thin. 


I'm starting a new diet.
Its called,


"Stop being a Fatass."

Here's how it goes:

Breakfast: no
Lunch: no
Dinner: Salad: (no dressing)
Snack: Fruit/animal crackers. (only 100 calories)



And if I can get out of dinner, I will.

Lack

I hate everything. I hate boyfriend. I hate him so much. He might become exboyfriend soon.
Best friend(J) thinks I have an eating disorder.
Neighbor/lover T has an eating disorder.

I may as well write down my weekend adventures.
I didn't eat until Saturday night.

Friday, I went to a generic cool kid dance. I got a call from my friend who lives aout an hour aay. For some unexplained reason she was in town, and quite intoxicated, and alone.
I wanted to go get her, but I couldn't leave, I had no ride.
So I sent others to find her, and save her.
T and me sexy danced the night away. Like, couples slow dancing weren't as close as we were. I could have kissed her. I'm pretty sure that chick is in the closet and the door is locked, barricaded, and she's got a gun pointed at whoever tries to open it.
Halfway through the night, T pulls me to the hall,and admits she hasn't eaten since Sunday. I told her I had eaten since Monday. We awkwardly smiled.
We started talking. We want to be small, teeny tiny, "Purse sized" as she out it.
T said growing up I was her inspiration. And I was. I was so perfectly thin.

Anyway, she nearly fainted. But its worth it to be thin, right? Right.

I didn't eat Friday. I just had 83749845 diet pepsi and some diet snapple.
I didn't eat breakfast at J's saturday. She had dougnuts, I "ate" some mutigrain cherrios.
I was 156 on her scale.
I was so happy.
I haven't been under 157 since I can remember.


I left around 11 to go pick up boyfriend.
He got me an adorable teddy bear and a necklace.
He's such a sweetheart.
He told me he loved me.
He kissed me.
I said I loved him.
He kissed me, harder.
To  make a long story short, we did it.
How romantic.
I wasn't a virgin before, but he knew I wasn't ready.
I didn't feel anything. I didn't like it, I didn't hate it, literally, nothing. It didn't even feel good, and I think he knew that.

Then that little snake made me eat. And it wasn't alot, I know.
half a slice of pizza, some salad, some fries.

Then he went home.
And then I freaked the fuck out.

I ate. Holy shit I ATE.
Like, I was literally shoving slice after slice into my mouth, I wanted to cry, I didn't wanna live.
I was having horrible, horrible flashbacks of previous partners.
Previous, unwanted, forced partners.

I woke up, weighed in. 160. fuck, fuck fuck.
My stomach literally hurts. I think I stretched it after I spent all week shrinking it.
My digestive system is fucked.

My mommy made a yummy breakfast. My favorite breakfast.
I couldn't even get out of bed. My stomach fucking HURTS.

And now the fat girl in me is awake.
She wants food.
My brother is downstairs making fried chicken and pasta.
fuck I want it. It smells so delicious.
I can't have it. I'm having a salad. And maybe a piece of chicken.
(I know, I shouldn't eat meat, blah, I want it bad.)

Today: (so far)

Jello - 20
asparagus steamed - 25
rice cake (1/2)         20
Caesar salad -         200 (guess)

Total:            235

I need to be under 160 tomorrow.
I need a fresh start.
I fucking hate everyone.
And during my binge, daddy looked at me and said

"Hey piggy, slow down. You're going to get heavier."


"The more calories you have the more you're going to hate yourself."


Even his supportive comments couldn't stop me but now they're bearing into my skull like a disease.

I also did some math, if I want advanced math + Science I need to get an A ATLEAST once and a B+ again.
So basically, I need two maths in math.
I'm good at math, hell, I even LIKE. math.
But my teacher is useless and confusing and chubby and I HATE her.
I hate everyone.

I need 159 tomorrow or I might die.
I probably will fast until Tuesday Night because 160 is NOT acceptable.

Under 160

I was 168 this morning, in pjs. I'm 159.5, but I drink so much water throughout the day, so its not surprising.
\
Love to Jackie for telling me not to eat.

I was supposed to sleepover J's house tonight. She called me around 3 telling me her brother was flipping out, so I should come over later. I'm scared. J eats like a pig. Like How I used too.
Her mom always makes us a super high calorie breakfast :/ Like pancakes or cinnamon buns or something...
I'll say my tummy hurts. Anyone have any good excuses?

Honor breakfast was today. There was bagel right in front of me and I didn't take one bite. :)
If I control myself tonight (which won't be a big problem) I will have officially fasted for 5 days straight. On just water. I'm pretty proud. I needed to lose the weight badly.

I'm still not close but now I'm certain I can obtain my goals.

Motivation

I have none.
The fatigue from my fast has set in.
I'm fighting with myself. I want food. I don't need food. I want it.
I texted my mom during school and told her to make me Jello.
I'm supposed to be a vegetarian,.
Its made from bones.
I want it.
So bad.
If I eat tonight, I fail.
If I eat Friday, I fail.
Saturday I'm probably seeing boyfriend. He loves making me more of a pig. Oink.
Ugh.
If I eat Saturday, I fail x10

160.5 today. 

I want to be 159.

I want it so bad. 

So so so bad, I can almost taste it. 

Someone tell me to exercise. Someone tell me to resist the food.

Christ, someone tell me to at least do my homework. 

Day 3

"The best of all medicines is rest and fasting" - Ben Franklin. 




I still don't feel hungry...this is honestly starting to worry me. I don't feel anything, no emotions, no driving force, no hunger.
I mean, fasting without hunger is amazing. But I'm terrified that when I do eat something, I won't be able to stop, because my hunger will sort of "awaken."

Oh well, I'll drive off that bridge when I get there.

I am 162 this morning. That's a 2 pound loss! :)
I'm ecstatic, really.
The weakness is starting to set in, oh well. I'll have to deal, right now I'm on top of the world. 162!

I have to go to school now. 

-Oink Oink

Piggy.

 Ps.

Therapy

This blog is my therapy. After I write, I feel much better about life in general. I don't really care if anyone reads it, because its mine, its my own creation. Everything on here is 100%, real, natural, me. I like reading older posts, like seeing how I felt, how I assessed situations. Which brings me to my next point:

Willpower.
 This is the end of my second day of fasting. Nearly 48 hours without eating, and I've never been less hungry. Right now, I'm 164, but I'll check that again in the morning. I'm hoping for 163, 163.5 at the least.
Mommy is making me dinner, I'm eating it my room, told her I have too much crap to do to possibly eat downstairs. Which is partly true. Its more like, your meat products are disgusting and putting them inside of me makes me want to throw up my entire stomach. So I'll put it in a little trash bag and dump it later.

I hope I'll make it through all of tomorrow without eating. I have gym at 7:20 in the morning, first block, ewwww.......
I got a treat today. I know it shouldn't have, but I had a real excuse this time!
I got a new shirt (Large.....which kinda made me really upset.)
and a scarf.
And a lunchbox. (Okay, that was my dad's idea. NOT MINE! Swear on my life...)
And a book.
But thats all. I swear.

Tonight I had my honor society/Merit Scholarship - thing.

It was great, there were sweets everywhere, but guess who resisted? This kiddo, right here.
Hell yes I deserved that scarf. <3

Mommy just brought me a hotdog. Yum. (Not.)
Step 1: Take hotdog upstairs.
Step 2: Place in plastic bag.
Step 3: Throw in trash.

160lbs here I come <3

Oink, Oink, Piggy <3

Empty, Pure.

I'm bored. I'm waiting in the car, for a fancy dinner. Fun, right? Yeah. Not really. I'm worried that I'll be forced to eat.

Well, I haven't eaten anything since Sunday. I'm actually proud of myself. I'm not even hungry. And I lost a pound. I don't want to break this fast. I feel so pure, so clean, so empty. And happy. I always forget how intense emotions are when I'm fasting. Everything seems so much brighter, so much more alive. And I love it, I thrive like this. I'm in control.

Hopefully, I'll be able to get out of eating tonight.
I don't want to lose this happiness, this joy. I'm not even feeling lightheaded. It's amazing.

I want to try and continue my fast until Thursday. It would be great. No, more than great. It would prove to myself that I can do this. I can starve. I can be empty and happy. I don't need food. I just need water. And friends. And music.

I think I want to train for a marathon. I'm scared. I've never been able to run. I have zero endurance. Or stamina. Or will power.
I lack everything you need to run a marathon.
Anyway. We're going in.

Love,
Piggy. Oink.

Thinspiration

I haven't eaten all day, it feels so amazing. <3

I probably won't eat again until 5-ish tomorrow, or at least that's my goal. Maybe I'll go even longer than that, I don't know at this point, it just feels good to be back on track, back to being empty. Boyfriend is upset that I won't eat. Oh well, he'll love it when I'm beautiful.

He hasn't shown his parents the report yet. I hope he won't be in too much trouble, I need him to be okay. Well, not okay. Talking him out of hurting himself makes me feel useful....

Freedom

No school for me today. Sick, Sick, Sick. Sick.

I don't want to go.

I don't want to eat.

I want to be alone.

And all I can hear is daddy screaming about a chess set on the phone with stranger.

I hate him. Head hurts so bad.

Boyfriend is going to be grounded when he gets home. I want him to go, I want him to stay.

He lives far, far away, and has the same issues as I do. With love, sex, food, trust. We're both frightened animals clinging to each other. But I do love him, I love him so much it isn't funny, and I always want him near me, but he never is, so we never stop texting, never break our talking, until we're together.

He'll get his phone taken away when he gets home, for grades. I need someone new, someone to attach myself too, someone to love while he's gone. Not love like we love, but love like, I don't decide anything without him. More like Codependency. And its unhealthy, I know, but I can't function without him.

Maybe I'll become codependent on my exercise, on my meal plan.

I was mad at boyfriend yesterday. I ate meat. I know it seems silly, but he always gives long speeches about how eating meat is going to kill humans, and how its bad for you, and I usually agree, meat has far too many calories compared to say, Broccoli.

But I was mad, fuming almost. So I ate some steak tips.

I feel bad that eating meat was my revenge.

But it made me feel better.

Which brings me smoothly to my next point, emotions tied with food.

I want to break all my emotions associated with fat food, because thats why I want the food, because I remember happier times than now.
If I break the mental attachment, I break the craving.

with love,

Piggy.

Tell me lies

166.

I hate boyfriend. He made me eat all day, he wouldn't let me go without eating.

I love him, I hate him, I can't live without him.

Well, he's going to be grounded Monday (Grades) for a week or two, so maybe I can get away with shedding a few pounds before Valentines Day. He says I'm perfect the way I am; He lies. I want to reach my first goal weight by then. That's 6 pounds in about a week. I can do it, I just have to try really hard.

His birthday is in March. I wanna be 150 by then. I know he says I'm perfect but I'm nowhere close to it, and if I don't lose the weight I'm going to lose him to someone prettier, skinner.

Goal Weights

I need to be thin. Right now, my goal is to fast all weekend. Except I'm scared, I'm going to boyfriends house tonight.

He knows I used to have ED, and if I refuse to eat he won't eat. He just got out of rehab Bulimia.

And he wants us to be healthy.

=/

I feel so bad.

He's going to go hungry tonight.

I'll tell him I ate before or something.

Anyway, last night I had a dream about food. I was thin, so perfectly thin and I was stuffing myself with Cheetos. Normal, right?

Goal Weights:

Goal weight 1: 160 pounds.

GW2: 155

GW3: 140

GW4: 135

UGW: 125

Ana Boot Camp

I'm 164. That salt-water cleanse fucked me up.

Ive decided to start Ana Boot Camp. Just until I lose 30 pounds, then I'm going to eat about 800 calories a day.

Today I realized I hate how I look.

Not just my body and my fat, I mean its not attractive and I do hate it.

But I hate my hair.

I hate my acne-scared face.

I hate my clothes.

I want to change. Badly.

I'm on day 2 of ABC. I had about 400 calories today.

And I got new sneakers so I'm going to be using my treadmill more often, although I don't count exercise on this diet.

Anyway, I have some new rules for myself, I like them.

1. Never ask for food.

I mean, never. If someone is eating something, I can't take some, I can't ask for some, basically, no scrounging.

2. No more meat.

Boyfriend is vegetarian. Best friend is vegetarian.

Fuck meat, I hate it anyway. Its full of calories and hardly any vitamins.

3. I have to eat in front of people suspicious about my eating.

So far that is no one. But hey, maybe if I get skinny someone will care enough to notice.

4. I have to burn half the calories I eat.

If I eat 300, I burn 150.

No if, ands, or buts.

5. It must be offered.

And I have to refuse the first time.

6. It has to be healthy.

I mean, healthy healthy. Fresh fruits and veggies are what I will eat first.

7. It has to be the diet version.

Low Fat Cottage Cheese, Reduced Calorie whatever.

These are my 7 Diet rules.

Use them, edit them or ignore them, your choice.

Calorie Goal Today (Abc 2)

500

Intake: 391

Tomorrow is a 300 day. I might just fast. Hopefully.

-Until tomorrow,

Piggy